Putting It In God's Hands

Each time Ava and I get home from her school, I immediately pull out her folder and go through all her papers.   Earlier this week, we got her preschool calendar for April.  As I am looking over it to see what is going on next month, I cringed when I got to April 28th.  You see, April 28th is Bring Your Sibling to Class Day.  You may be thinking, "So?"  But what you need to understand is that our sweet, sweet girl

desperately, DESPERATELY wants us to have one of these

so that she can be a

I am SO, SO afraid that she is going to have a meltdown on April 28th because she has no sibling to share with her friends.  She constantly talks about babies.  She loves to go through the baby section at Target so she can look at all the baby stuff.  My child sits and pages through the Pottery Barn Kids catalog picking out bedding and telling me that is what she wants for her little sister's room.  Ava has this game she likes to play where she picks up whatever novel I happen to be reading at the time and she pretends to read it to me.  Tonight, the story she "read" to me was about a little girl who wonders if God is going to give her mommy and daddy a baby.  She wants to know if God is going to put a baby in her mommy's tummy.  After she finished "reading" her story to me, I asked her what she would do if God didn't give her a baby sister (her preference-BTW).  She said "Well, maybe He will give me a little brother."  To which I said, "How would you feel if God didn't give you a brother OR a sister?"  Her reply was, "I would be all by myself and that would make me sad."  Talk about breaking my heart!!!

If you had told me several years ago that Ava would be our only child at this point, I would have been surprised.  Being an only child myself, the idea of one child doesn't bother me that badly.  However, Kevin has always insisted on at least two kids.  He thinks it is extremely important to have a sibling.  So early on, we agreed that two would be a good number.  We also thought we would have them not right on top of one another, but fairly close together in age.  Well, obviously that has not happened.  If I were to get pregnant tonight, our children would still be almost 5 years apart in age.  

We are in this position because right about the time we were ready to start considering trying for another, I began to have a lot of my health problems.  It took a while for me to feel like it was serious enough to warrant a trip to the doctor (because, really who likes to go) and then it has taken close to a year to get some type of diagnosis (which is still a little bit sketchy).  I just was feeling so badly health-wise and I really felt it would be irresponsible to become pregnant when I wasn't sure exactly what we were dealing with. Now that I have received this diagnosis, it has really given me mixed emotions.  With this disorder that I have, my doctor has warned me that the rate of miscarriage is higher among those with MCTD than among those without.  She has also told me that chances are I would feel great during pregnancy because my body would be producing hormones that would help counteract my disease.  The downside is that after delivery, I could suffer a setback and my symptoms could become worse than they are now.  I have a lot of days now where I struggle with my energy level and I really have to work to get through the day.  The thought of feeling that way and having a newborn just seems so daunting to me.  I also think to myself, "What if my symptoms become so bad that I don't ever feel like playing with Ava?"  I would feel awful to give her a sibling and then not be able to be the kind of mom I would want them to have.  Kevin says I can't live life saying, "What if?" and I know he is right but I think it really freaks me out because I didn't develop many of my symptoms until after Ava was born.  Coincidence or does pregnancy make it worse??  My doctor says she can't really answer that and there is really just no way to know how my body will react.  

I have been struggling with this decision for many months now--I mean, I'm not getting any younger here. :)  Tonight, Kevin and I had a talk about it and I feel like I am getting to a place where I feel more at peace with this situation.  We have decided that we will not try to get pregnant again but that we won't  do anything to prevent it from happening either.  We are going to PUT IT ALL IN GOD'S HANDS.  Which, silly me, how have I not come to this conclusion earlier?  I must stop trying to control things and realize that I am not the one in control here.  If God wants to give Ava her deepest desire, than He will when He is ready.  And if He decides not to, that is okay too.  We have an amazing child who has just been such a blessing to us and we will continue to be a happy family of five (you can't leave out our two furry children!)

A Daniel Family Update...

It has been several months since I last wrote and we have had lots of changes around the Daniel house.  Just an update on each of the members of my family:

Kevin changed jobs at the end of last year.  He is still essentially doing the same job in the same industry but is now just working for a different company.  The company has headquarters in NYC and in a little town right smack in the middle of wine country in California--this means lots of fun trips for me and the hubby!   What is also great about this is that when Kevin is not traveling, he works from home and it's so nice having him right here in his office upstairs.  He loves not having to commute to work and just being able to roll out of bed, grab his coffee, and walk upstairs.  Ava and I love having him here for lunch and for little visits throughout the day.  He really enjoys what he does and finds his job so rewarding.  We both realize how blessed he is to have that satisfaction with his career--it is hard to come by.  I am so proud of him for being so good at what he does and for being such an amazing provider for our family.

Ava just celebrated her fourth birthday!  I honestly do not know where the time has gone.  It seems like just yesterday we were bringing her home from the hospital.  

As my grandmother says, "They broke the mold when they made our Ava."  Our daughter is smart, silly, adorable, talented, lovable, kind--all those adjectives that parents use when describing their kids. :)  She is a social butterfly and loves being on the go.  Every night before bed, our ritual is bath, brush teeth, climb in bed, read a story, and then comes the inevitable question, "Mom, where are we going tomorrow?"  Ava just started preschool last month and she is loving it!  The first morning we dropped her off at her classroom, she just bopped right on in without so much as a backward glance at Kevin and myself.  She can be fiercely independent.  She is still going to Kindermusik classes which we have been doing for 3 years now.  She also started gymnastics a few months ago and that has been a lot of fun as well.  She loves trying all kinds of new things and she sometimes shows such fearlessness, it kind of worries me. :)  She definitely gets that daredevil side from her daddy.  She also has such a big heart.  Back at Christmas, Kevin and I explained to her that we were going to help her clean out her playroom to make room for the new toys that Santa would be bringing her.  We got big garbage bags and told her that we would be giving any toys she did not want anymore away to boys and girls that may not have any toys.  She carefully went through all her stuff and we ended up with 3 big bags full of toys for Goodwill.  She parted with some really nice stuff.  A couple of times, I tried to convince her to keep some of the nicer, newer toys that she had not played with much but she insisted on giving them away.  In the months since Christmas, she has been putting aside clothing and toys for the Goodwill and asking me when we can drop it off.  It is so important to me that she understands compassion.   There is not a feeling in the world that is better, in my opinion, than the feeling you get from doing good for others with nothing in return.  She loves being outdoors riding her bike, helping me in the flowerbed, putting up at the golf course with Kevin (he bought her some nice clubs with pink grips before she turned 2--real clubs, mind you, not plastic ones).  She also loves babies.  She is excited by any opportunity to be around babies and all their baby paraphernalia.  My cousin, Brittany, had twins a year ago and Ava loves to play mommy to her cousins, Addison and Austin.

Our little girl is growing up into such an amazing person and I am so proud of her and the character she already displays.  Kevin and I truly do recognize how blessed we are with her.  She is a wonderful combination of the best of both of us. 

We also added a new member to our family this past winter.  We adopted, Allie, a golden retriever rescue from Memphis Area Golden Retriever Rescue (MAGRR).  My mom and I go to the Germantown Festival each September and every year MAGRR is there with their dogs.  Each year in the past, mom and I have petted the dogs and talked about how cute they are and what is sad situation it is, but this year I felt a strong pull to act.  Fortunately for me, I have a husband that doesn't freak out when I come home and say "I had a great time at the festival with mom, and by the way, I really want to adopt a rescue dog."  We checked out the MAGRR website and began the adoption process.  We quickly found that it was much like adopting a child--calls to our current vet, phone interviews, home visits, etc.  After several months, we got the green light to adopt and Allie came into our lives.  Allie is a saint of a dog whose family locked her in a garage and fed her until she weighed over 100 pounds.  The conditions of our adoption state that we have to keep Allie on a strict diet to get her healthy again.  She has already come such a long way.  She is now down to around 75 pounds.  Patton and Allie get along really well and Ava loves her new furry sister. Kevin and I have been so impressed with the great things that MAGRR does.  It is a wonderful organization that we both are becoming involved with.  Kevin is actually planning their next big fundraiser for next year, a golf tournament.   Check out MAGRR at magrr.org.  

As for me, 2010 was somewhat of a roller coaster.  I started having some health problems early in the year and ended up being sent by my doctor to see a hematologist for extensive blood work.  The doctor that I was sent to see is also an oncologist that works at one of our local cancer institutes.  After a couple of visits and lots and lots of blood later, I go in for in appointment and this is the conversation:

Doctor:  "Mrs. Daniel, one of your test results has come back abnormal.  This particular test is an 

indicator for CML."  

Me:  "Hmmm, okay.  What exactly is CML?"

Doctor: "CML stands for Chronic Myelogeneous Leukemia."

Me: (big whoosh as all the air leaves my lungs)

Doctor: "We are going to need to do some more tests to either confirm or rule this out.  These tests will take quite a few days.  We will let you know as soon as we hear something and just try not to worry."

Now to my credit, I did not cry until I got into the car and started the drive home.  Kevin called to see if I  was done with the appointment and that is when I lost it.  One of my greatest fears could potentially be coming to pass. The doctor had given me some reading material and Kevin and I quickly learned a lot about leukemia.  My family and friends were so amazing and supportive and I had so many people saying prayers for me.  It ended up being 3 agonizing weeks and lots of sleepless night later but I finally received one of the best phone calls of my life.  That call went like this:

Doctor: "Mrs. Daniel, I have your test results.

Me:  Silence as I am holding my breath.

Doctor:  "Your CML test came back negative.  However, it appears that we may now be looking at lupus."

Me: (thinking to myself) Hallelujah!!!  No leukemia.  I don't know much about lupus but it can't be as bad as cancer.

So, then it was off to a new doctor that specializes in autoimmune disorders.  At this point, this ordeal had been going on for the better part of a year and I just wanted answers.  This new doctor did more blood work and tells me she believes I suffer from mixed connective tissue disorder.  This is basically an autoimmune disorder that involves symptoms of lupus, scleroderma, and polymyositis.  It is rare but generally occurs in women in their 20's and 30's.  There is no cure and the only thing to do is to treat the symptoms which consists of fatigue, joint and muscle pain, weakness in the limbs, etc.  The doctor prescribed steroids to help alleviate the worst of the symptoms.  Unfortunately, all this has really done is make me gain almost 30 pounds.  I'm off the steroids now and hoping to start losing the weight and to find another method of treatment.  It is going to be an ongoing battle and I am still unsure what this will mean for my future, but I am loving life!  

On a more positive note, towards the end of last year my boss told my co-workers and I that we were about to gain two part-time positions at the branch where I work.  I came home that night, talked it over with Kevin, went back to work the next day and told my boss that I wanted one of those part-time positions.  He was not too pleased at first--he likes me--but after I told him I wanted more time to be a wife and a mommy, he couldn't really argue with that.  So in January, I started working just 2 1/2 days a week.  I absolutely LOVE it.  It gives me a great balance of being out in the working world and being home.  I am able to take Ava to school and pick her up and participate in her classroom, do volunteer work, start new hobbies, and my house has never stayed cleaner!   I have so many interests that I want to explore and it is exciting to have the time to do that now.  

Now hopefully, I will also have more time to keep my blog up to date!!!